I think I have finally realized why I've been so hesitant to start a new journal. My old one was used at a time in my life when I really needed it. I was an emotional teenager, and my first love had cheated on me, and left me for the same girl. (Though, I have reason to believe he cheated on me with another as well...something I didn't find out until after we were over.) I was devastated. It was so hard to trust in the first place, and I opened myself up, and got stabbed. I was completely blindsided. To help ease the pain, I wrote in my online blog more than ever---sometimes a few times a day. Getting the hurt out and onto paper, even virtual paper, helped me heal gradually. So, while I loved that blog, it took a bad turn in my life for me to really start writing more often. I had started that blog a mere couple months before he gave me The Talk. I think the memory of that time is why I shy away. I am afraid, as stupid as it may sound, that if I start another one, the same thing will happen and I will once again find myself turning to my journal to help me through a bad breakup.
My current boyfriend has told me time and time again that it isn't fair to compare past relationships with new ones. And he is correct, of course. But the memories are there. The scars are there. To someone like me, who is incredibly empathetic and emotional, this runs deep. And sometimes, though we know that we are being illogical, the past hurts come to the surface of our minds.
I'm better than I was. I'm still not where I want to be.
Especially at night when the thoughts creep in and poison my good intentions.
Hakunamatata?
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